Ohver/ Victim

Mis tunne on omada kogu maailma aega?
Mitte kunagi hilineda, ega jõuda liiga vara?

Ilm keeras ära ja Kairit tundis, et sellega ei saa kuidagi rahul olla. Ta jagas kõigi teistega oma rahulolematust ja sõi kõrvale maasikaid.

Jüri oli jõudnud oma eluga pöördepunkti. Ta lakkus aina enam ning keeldus endale tunnistamast, et on jõudnud sellesse olukorda nende valikute tulemusel, mida ta on teinud eelnevad 34 aastat. Soov kõike unustada oli kõikehaarav.

Sigrid oli armunud. Mees tõmbus tagasi aga ühel päeval, ilmselt tuli talle meelde jälle, et oli üksi olnud viimased 13 aastat ja tal ei ole vajadust jagada ennast ka mitte Sigridiga. Ja Sigrid on ju pealegi üks tubli ja tugev Eesti naine, kes oskab väärtustada enda iseseisvust, mida üks lõbusalt koos veedetud aeg ometigi ei muuda.

Riho armastas naisi. Ta oli olnud armunud lugematul arvul kordi, aga millegipärast need naised, kellesse tema armus, ei vastanud talle samaga ja nii oli see juba sellest ajast saadik, kui ta oli poisike. Siiski – Kristiina abiellus taga, ehk ta oli siiski armastanud teda enne kui nad lahutasid? Ta ei suutnud aru saada, miks peaaegu kõik naised tahtsid olla taga ainult sõbrad, naised ei suutnud aga aru saada tema kannatustest. Ta oli lihtsalt üks kõige sõbralikumaid ja südamlikumaid mehi, keda nad teadsid. Aga naised, kellega tema oli koos, olid talle ainult seltsilised. Ta ei suutnud neisse armuda.

40-aastane Helen oli üksik oma poja ja tütrega peale 10-aastast abielu. Ta peamine lohutus oli meditatsioon. Ta ema oli üritanud enesetappu, kui ta oli olnud 8-aastane ja kui ema noorem õde oli ka meeleheitest ähvardanud end ära tappa kaks aastat peale seda, oli ta muutunud tädi vardjaks, kartes nii tohutult ta pärast, et lubas teha kõik endast oleneva, et ka ta tädi ei muutuks samamoodi nagu ema- või lahkudes siit, nagu neil mõttes oli. Ometigi kogunes neid ootamatuid minejaid aastate jooksul päris mitu ja ta süda karmistus selles tules, üritades olla mõlemat – hoolitseda nii teiste, kui enda eest. Ta ei olnud tundnud oma ema enam ära peale seda kui ta oli ravilt tulnud. Lähenedes aga ise 40-le ja üritades jätkuvalt kontrollida elu, tundis ta kuidas ka teda jälitavad surmamõtted sama visalt kui stress, mis oli teda teismelisena ja 20-ndates maha murdnud. Ja ühel päeval meenus talle see tunne, mida ta oli tundnud 8-aastasena – see polnud mitte kuhugi kadunud. Temas elas ikka veel see hirmunud 8-aastane, kelle ema oli tahtnud maha jätta peale seda kui ta isa oli talle kohutavalt haiget teinud. Ja järsku ta tundis soovi andestada. Andestada see emale peale 32. aastat, mis ta oli teda endas kandnud. Sest ta ei pea olema ohver ja kõik see, mis on ta elus, on seal sellepärast, et see on olnud tema valik, oli seda nii siis, kui ka nüüd. Tema, mitte ta ema, ilma, millise iganes režiimi, riigi ja valitsuse, võhivõõraste, kes ajavad oma rida, laste, pere, tööandjate, tuttavate, sõprade, meeste jne valik mitte olla ohver, sest aega saab ka paremini kasutada. Sest äkki on hoopis see, mis meis on head, hoopis suurem kui kõik meie puudused kokkupandult ja meist saavad ohvrid ainult siis, kui me osutame teadlikult või alateadlikult tähelepanu sellele, mis on puudu või mis häirib, selle asemel, et anda hoopis enda parim?

What it´s like to own all the time in the world?

Never be late or make it too early?

 

Weather was nasty and Charlotte felt that it´s impossible to be indifferent about that. She shared with others her dissatisfaction and ate strawberries aside.

Mike had reached a turning point in his life. He boozed heavily and refused to admit, that he has made it to this situation as a result of those choices, he made in past 34 years. His wish for oblivion was overwhelming.

Kate was in love. But the man withdrew itself one day, he probably remembered that he had been alone for the past 13 years and he  has no need to share itself also with Kate. And Kate is after all one good and strong woman, who knows the value of independence, which can not be altered by some fun time they had together.

Jake loved women. He had been in love countless of times, but somehow all those women , he falled in love with, didn´t reciprocate and it had been like that since he was a boy. But yet- Christine had married him, perhaps she loved him before they divorced? He could not understand why practically all women only wanted to be friends with him and women could not understand his pain in turn. He was simply one of the most friendly and affectionate men they knew. But the women, he was with, were merely only his companions. He couldn´t fall in love with them.

Helen was 40-year old single mother for her son and daughter after marriage, that had lasted 10 years. Her main solace was meditation. Her mother had tried to commit suicide when she was eight years old and when the younger sister of her mother had also threatened to kill herself because of despair two years after her mother, she had become a warden for her because she was so terrified because of her, that she promised herself to do everything she can so that her aunt wouldn´t change the way her mother had changed – or would leave them for good what they had in their minds.  All the same, over the years there were some, who did leave suddenly and her heart roughened in that fire, when she was trying to be both – to take care of others and also herself. She had not recognized her mother any more after the treatment in hospital. But by approaching herself 40, while trying to remain in control over her life, she felt that also she is stalked by deaththoughts as tenaciously as stress, which had striked her down as teenager and in her twenties. And one day she remembered the feeling she had felt, when she was eight – cause there it was again. She was once again that frightened eight-year-old, whose mother had wanted to leave her behind after her dad had hurt her terribly. And she felt the need to forgive that. Forgive that to herself and to her mother after those long 32 years, which she had been part of her. Because she doesn´t have to be a victim and all that, what she has in her life, is there by her choice, was it there back then, and is there also now. Her choice, not because of her mother or weather, whatever regime, state or government, strangers, who are minding their business, kids, family, employers, acquintances, friends, men etc not to be a victim, because time can be used better than that. Cause what if all that, that´s good in us, is much bigger than all our shortages combined and we become victims only if we give our conscious or subconscious attention to what´s missing or disturbing instead of giving our best?