An introduction
Hi,
B ut back to me.
My name is Marta Tuule. Well, not really, it´s fictional
name, pen name I´ve used for years, according to ID I bear no resemblance to
the person I feel I am and that´s the reason for choosing this second name, a
mask, an output or whatever you´d call it. It´s still 100% me and there´s no real duality cause I still care about same things, so you can trust it if you will.
I don´t like especially writing first letters, there´s
always this inconvenience I get then. But life often leaves us no choice to overcome
the limitations we have in our person and that´s what I´m doing right now. Thanks
to a friend I have, I have decided to create this site called „Life is matter
of love and death- Elu on armastuse ja surma küsimus“ here in Facebook and I picture it right now to be something like
a creative communication channel for me and hopefully for people who visit it
and like it. (And I feel like inventing the wheel here right now :))
But back to the introduction. I´m 39 years old, due to be
40 already next month and I´m someone you could call an author, but with the
exception of mail correspondence I´ve had with people, till the age of 30 I
used to write only for myself, it was an act of self-healing and a private
thing to do.
By nationality I´m an Estonian, I live in Tallinn, the
capital of Estonia and I´m a single parent to my son, who´s 13 and a daughter,
who´s 11.
I used to be married to their father – and that was one
more thing which made me to overcome my limitations, cause I didn´t believe in
the institution, but since it was an important matter to him, then I gave in to
that after couple of years. For many years I used to believe that I did that out of curiosity, but the truth is that I did it only because I wanted to be with him. With or without paper wasn´t really the matter for me.
It didn´t have an happy ending. We split with him several times during the years because we were very different people and had few mutual values – so for a while we tried to replace that with common interests, but it came out to be too shallow for both of us. And then he died, day after his 41st birthday because of the accident. Life like a film.
It didn´t have an happy ending. We split with him several times during the years because we were very different people and had few mutual values – so for a while we tried to replace that with common interests, but it came out to be too shallow for both of us. And then he died, day after his 41st birthday because of the accident. Life like a film.
It made me to think about myself and about the fate – and once again
revise my views on life. I came to conclusion that life is a matter of both
love and death and that´s why I named also this site after that.
But if someone should ask me what do I believe in- then today
I can say that I believe only in curiosity yet. Cause it all comes down to that
for me- and what it makes us to do or not do, while both love and death are no
longer subjects of belief for me any more- along with topics of humanity,
environment and rest of the culture.
They´re all just titles in a book we all read and discuss
coldly or passionately, depending on the character - and a discipline what we know as psychology, teaches
us these days not to be irreversible for about 50% and we suppose to suffer
because of that, who we are. Or why won´t they ask about personal values instead
of concentrating on personal imperfections –
cause who would indeed like to give up on being sensible, compassionate, honest
and caring instead of controlling, hating and worrying? We often consider our negative
traits and principles to be „inevitable“ – when in real it´s just history. We
can start every day from new page and be just curious what comes to rest- not
only 50% of us if you allow me here to draw the most random line what
makes academic and scientific minds probably go mad either introvertedly or
extrovertedly.
There´s been lots of death in my life- both physical and
metaphorical. I used to attend so many funerals when I was a kid and an
adolescent that death sort of became synonymous to life for me- but now, by approaching
my personal middle age, I had forgotten about that- till the death of the father to my son and daughter. And now I found out out of the sudden that environment and society we live in is almost repulsed
by my experience by death and metamorphosis – cause it is not regarded as
anything positive. Instead of that it creates fear and that´s the western
culture we live in right now.
Contradiction lies within and is entwined with love both what
comes to it in general or to me, because I don´t fall in love easily and it´s hard for me to let go
of people I love – even when they´re dead. Will I even make it? I don´t know, but at least I´m alive yet. And life has taught me to love
unconditionally also these few, I have falled in love with – and it´s been the
highest peak and vastest desert to cross for me as classics would express it.
In my eyes the biggest challenge for all of us is actually to find
out how to be true to yourself- cause then we´re also true to others. How it affects others, is none of our business in real. That´s the best thing by me- no one has
to understand you. And why? Cause love can never be understood, it´s
personal and always will be. Do yourself a favour and don´t try to explain your
love to anyone – just be who you are and do, what makes you happy, cause
just because there exist also psychopaths in this world, you must not be
treated or taken as one just because they don´t understand you.
Love has many faces – what comes to me, I have felt filial,
maternal, romantic, idealistic, passionate and also self-destructive love.
These are first roles what come to my mind, in real there´s much more and not all of
them are so-called "positive". It doesn´t make theme "false" though. These days it is good to remember that there is actually
difference between emotions and feelings – and they´re like twins that look alike
on the outside, but on the inside they´re opposites. Emotions are in real
feelings gone bad. It reminds me an ad of local book store chain which called
for „Give away emotions“ (in loose translation) and it was another good example
of confusion in people´s minds between these two.
So why shouldn´t there be confusions also between people,
who are unexceptionally different on the outside, and on the inside – or even
both?
I am right now unemployed, so I have all the time in the
world to write here next to commitments I have, but should you feel like
writing to me too for whatever reasons, please do, cause like I said before,
I´m always interested in what people have to say.
And should you feel like supporting this site also
financially, so that I could make a job out of it, please write to me too (mtuule@gmail.com or via Facebook).
I know a lot of people who are married to someone or in relationship with right now because of the risk of poverty and/or for psychological issues, so my country is no exception here and it is happening everywhere. So it´s better to deal with that here and now, where I am right now and not to postpone it any further.
I know a lot of people who are married to someone or in relationship with right now because of the risk of poverty and/or for psychological issues, so my country is no exception here and it is happening everywhere. So it´s better to deal with that here and now, where I am right now and not to postpone it any further.
This site here and also my blog is for everyone, who are
looking for emotional truth, including myself :).
MT
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